it's just a number...right?
i have a birthday coming up. next tuesday. sort of a big one. i have been pondering whether if i refuse to acknowledge it, will it still occur? if i really have to acknowledge it, can i go back a year instead of forward a year? is it possible to legally change my age?
along with the genes in my blood comes the blessed curse of never looking my age--i probably haven't looked my age since i was eight. i know i'll be grateful when i'm 40, but for now it's just a bit of an annoyance for people to always be surprised when i tell them how old i am. if i don't look as old as i am, if i don't feel as old as i am, if my friends are all 4-5 years younger than i am, why do i have to be as old as i am? at this point you are wondering...well, how old is he? well, since nobody ever thinks i'm as old as i am, i figure that gives me carte blanche to be as young as i can get away with. so if you ask me how old i am, i will ask you, how old do you think i am? and that will be your answer. i am only as old as you think i am...well, as long as you think i'm at least 21. deal?
in all seriousness, there are other issues coming along with this birthday that have taken up residence within my brain. when it comes to work and school, i have yet to find that moment of pure clarity that illuminates the desired path for seemingly everyone else. i like this niche that i have carved out for myself, and feel lucky every day to have the positions i do. but somedays there is that wonder, that curiosity, that feeling, that maybe i'd be a little bit happier doing something else. it's a struggle sometimes and one that i am feeling the need to resolve before it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming. the new year is just around the corner and perhaps with it will come a stroke of luck or a divine intervention. or, maybe i'll find some initiative on my own and take care of this matter for myself. in the meantime, is it naïve to say, "who cares if you don't know what you want"?
matthew sweet : "get older"
from the lp 100% fun (volcano records, 1995)
who cares if you don't know what you want
'cause they don't know what they've got
and you cannot resist
your memories won't slip away
and you'll be glad
when you get older
that you were happy for today